End of the line?
In my post earlier today I related that I was having a struggle on this trip. It's not just the most physically demanding undertaking it's actually the most mentally/emotionally demanding undertaking I've ever encountered. Moreso, even, than Burning Man. I've been on the verge of crying at least once a day for the last week.
After this mornings post, Ivan and I took off on Rt 20 heading to Loup Loup Pass. Not a particularly hard climb (although our muscles are stiff from not stretching yesterday) and the heat of yesterday replaced by cloud cover and a cool breeze. A slow climb in granny gears but a piece of cake compared to both Newhalem and the Rainey/Mt Washington passes. But...I lost it. I found myself by the side of the road sobbing uncontrollably. Ivan, who had been ahead, parked his bike, and walked back to me. He walked my bike to where his was and then hugged me while I cried.
Let me be clear here, going on this trip with Ivan was *my* idea. I have felt that, for too long, life has been passing me by and I wanted to do something BIG. Something that I could look back on later with pride and sense of accomplishment. Doing it with the man that I love would be icing on the cake. But now I am really afraid that this is too big. That I should have started with smaller, more manageable trips to get a sense of what I was going to be facing: the hill climbs, the heat, the weight of the bike. I've only had this particular bike since April and haven't ridden it very much compared to what needs to happen to ride 3300 miles.
And my heart is breaking at the thought that I just can't do this. That I'm soft. That I'm giving up too soon. That I'm a big loser. That if I stop now, I may forever regret that choice and how that choice might affect me. Ivan is proud of me but I want to be proud of myself and I'm not feeling that way at the moment.
So we've ridden the 5 miles back to Twisp where we had a late breakfast and are now at an internet cafe - our first solid internet access point in days - with a couple of possible plans in the works.
We'll go back to the RV park we stayed at last night and just relax. Maybe go swimming. And we'll see how I feel in the morning. In the meantime, we'll make contact with friends who may be able to drive up here on either Friday or Saturday and pick me and my bike up as well as bring Ivan his smaller tent. He'll continue with the trip solo as I really, really want him to. (I would never want my limitations to stand in the way of his aspirations.) I would fly to Virginia in September and meet him there when he gets to the end of the trail and we'll fly back home together.
Anyway, that's the situation at present. I'm going to take some time to rest and think and make a final decision in the morning.
After this mornings post, Ivan and I took off on Rt 20 heading to Loup Loup Pass. Not a particularly hard climb (although our muscles are stiff from not stretching yesterday) and the heat of yesterday replaced by cloud cover and a cool breeze. A slow climb in granny gears but a piece of cake compared to both Newhalem and the Rainey/Mt Washington passes. But...I lost it. I found myself by the side of the road sobbing uncontrollably. Ivan, who had been ahead, parked his bike, and walked back to me. He walked my bike to where his was and then hugged me while I cried.
Let me be clear here, going on this trip with Ivan was *my* idea. I have felt that, for too long, life has been passing me by and I wanted to do something BIG. Something that I could look back on later with pride and sense of accomplishment. Doing it with the man that I love would be icing on the cake. But now I am really afraid that this is too big. That I should have started with smaller, more manageable trips to get a sense of what I was going to be facing: the hill climbs, the heat, the weight of the bike. I've only had this particular bike since April and haven't ridden it very much compared to what needs to happen to ride 3300 miles.
And my heart is breaking at the thought that I just can't do this. That I'm soft. That I'm giving up too soon. That I'm a big loser. That if I stop now, I may forever regret that choice and how that choice might affect me. Ivan is proud of me but I want to be proud of myself and I'm not feeling that way at the moment.
So we've ridden the 5 miles back to Twisp where we had a late breakfast and are now at an internet cafe - our first solid internet access point in days - with a couple of possible plans in the works.
We'll go back to the RV park we stayed at last night and just relax. Maybe go swimming. And we'll see how I feel in the morning. In the meantime, we'll make contact with friends who may be able to drive up here on either Friday or Saturday and pick me and my bike up as well as bring Ivan his smaller tent. He'll continue with the trip solo as I really, really want him to. (I would never want my limitations to stand in the way of his aspirations.) I would fly to Virginia in September and meet him there when he gets to the end of the trail and we'll fly back home together.
Anyway, that's the situation at present. I'm going to take some time to rest and think and make a final decision in the morning.
posted by maryja at
12:13 PM
3 Comments
